Back in April of 2021, Disney+ released the "Star Wars Vintage Collection". Being the Star Wars fan that I am, I knew that I had to give them a shot - but literally none of these were worth my time. The one that came closest to being worth it was the one at the bottom of the list, but the rest were either laughably bad or too bad to be laughable. Let's take a look, shall we?
Ewoks: Caravan of Courage (*1/2)
Okay, so yes, this sucked. But it didn’t suck as much as I thought it was going to, and I’ve got to give it points for that.
There’s a lot wrong with this film. First, nobody can act. Our two leading human kid characters are particularly bad – and I don’t blame them as much as I blame the casting director for picking them. Secondly, why is Burl Ives, the legendary voice of that singing snowman from the stop-motion Rudolph special, narrating a couple of Ewoks pummeling each other in the middle of the afternoon? It’s like we’re watching a nature documentary except we’re actually watching men in furry costumes rolling over each other under the shade of a tree. Thirdly, the script is just atrocious. When the older brother says “I will be your mom and dad” or something to that effect to his little sister, I just about fell out of my chair. And it’s not because the line was bad – it was because at that moment I remembered that George Lucas came up with the story for this flick. His name was in the opening credits. And as far as I’m concerned, that makes this more canon than The Mandalorian.
Oh - and some of the practical effects were abysmal. There's these spider-things in a cave that literally look like Hallowe'en decorations you could pick up at Wal-Mart. However, for all its misgivings, I was very impressed by the shots of an Ewok in a hang glider. Perhaps this film doesn’t deserve much credit, but somebody got into an Ewok costume and actually soared through the sky over a forest while a camera crew followed them – and other people dressed up as Ewoks and rode horses. That’s pretty cool. Or is it weird? I can’t decide. Either way, this is a thoroughly skippable movie – unless you’re into hang gliders.
Ewoks: The Battle for Endor (*)
While you’ve gotta give it points for an ambitious opening, this sequel spends too much time feeling like a cheap knockoff of The Wizard of Oz and not enough time feeling like Star Wars.
I’d say spoiler warning, but the film itself is very similar to spoiled milk anyway so the phrase might be irrelevant here. In any case, the movie kicks things off with a bang by literally murdering three out of the four main characters of the last movie. That’s right – remember how the last movie was about two kids reuniting with their parents? Well, now their parents are dead – and so is the older kid. It’s literally just Cindel left, and I don’t know what came over the filmmakers when they thought the entire film could rest on her shoulders. She’s a cute kid, don’t get me wrong. But she can’t make this movie work. In any case, she’s very much the Dorothy of the film in the sense that she’s trying to find a way home with her eclectic mix of furry friends. There’s Wicket, obviously, as well as two newcomers: a cranky old guy named Noa and one of the weirdest aliens I’ve ever seen named Teek. Noa’s the classic “I’m grumpy but I actually care deep down” character, and Teek is – well, I don’t know if there’s anyone I can compare him to. Either way, there’s a wicked witch who wants an object that belongs to Cindel. However, it doesn’t work for the witch – Cindel and Noa are the only ones who understand its true purpose. After Cindel is captured and locked up in the witch’s castle, Noa and the others bust her out before ending the film with a climactic battle in the woods. I suppose someone could make that a compelling story, but it’s just so obvious that these are a bunch of people with rubber masks grunting and shooting fake guns. I couldn’t suspend my disbelief for even a moment.
But hey – this film had the courage to permanently kill a kid’s parents and brother. That’s gutsy. It didn’t exactly pay off, but I admire them for going for it. But in any case, skip this – in case that wasn’t obvious.
Star Wars: Droids – The Adventures of R2-D2 and C-3PO (*)
This long-lost corner of the Star Wars galaxy isn’t worth anyone’s time.
I had heard rumblings of this show once or twice in my life, but didn’t learn anything about it until it got released on Disney+. I decided to give it my typical 5-episode run for small shows like this, and I can say conclusively that I didn’t need to give it that much of my time. If you watch the theme song of this show, you’ll understand the entire series. Fifteen years before A New Hope, R2-D2 and C-3PO are bumbling around the galaxy, flitting from one set of masters to the next. It’s nice to hear Anthony Daniels reprise his iconic role as the expert in human-cyborg relations, but my compliments end there. The animation isn’t great – although perhaps that’s just because it’s so dated – and the jokes aren’t really funny. Also, there’s a number of Star Wars sound effects that aren’t used correctly. I can’t remember them off the top of my head, but it’s little things like using a lightsaber sound effect for the opening of a door and stuff like that. Speaking of which, there was a lightsaber in the first or second episode and no one seemed to care. A character pulled one out and was like, “Hey, this’ll help” and no one asked him about it. Like guys, this is a legendary weapon. You’re looking at it like it’s a pocket knife.
Maybe there are people who watched this back when it came out and have a sweet spot for it in their hearts. But those people have got to be the only ones on Earth for whom this matters – because I can’t find anything commendable about it at all.
Ewoks (1/2)
Oh boy. I haven’t yet seen the Star Wars Holiday Special, but I imagine it can’t be much worse than this.
A lot of people weren’t crazy about the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi. Those people would absolutely hate this show. First of all, there’s nothing even remotely Star-Wars-ish about it. It’s Care Bears without the colour and rainbows. It’s forest rodents painting trees with invisible paint. Seriously – there’s an episode where bad guys are coming to cut down their sacred trees or something, and the Ewoks decide they’re going to use their limited supply of invisibility soap to turn their special trees invisible. Like, how on earth is that the best idea? Why don’t you turn YOURSELVES invisible so that you can scare the bad guys away or kill them or something?! You’re telling me the bad guys are just going to come up to where the trees are, notice they’re gone, and then just give up and go home?! Give me a break!
The one thing that is somewhat notable about this show is how some props appeared that were from the Ewok movies. That was kind of neat. But largely, this show felt like a knockoff for all five of the episodes that I watched. Don’t waste your time.
The Story of the Faithful Wookie (***)
Is this canon?!
Man, I would love for Disney to give us the complete Star Wars Holiday Special on Disney+ this Christmas. But in the meantime, this animated short will suffice. It was cool hearing all of the original voice actors, which gave this whole thing an air of authenticity. If it hadn’t been them, this probably would’ve been junk. And as it stands, I wasn’t particularly enamored with the animation style. Han Solo looks like his face got caught in a trash compactor. But hey, we got almost as much Boba Fett action as the original trilogy ever gave us. I just don’t understand why he flew away when he got found out. If this guy really is the most dangerous bounty hunter in the galaxy, you’d think he could handle a few rebels.
There's a 'talisman' in this short that knocks humans unconscious. Boba Fett, however, is never affected. Is this because he's not human? Or because he's wearing a helmet to protect his breathing? Or do clones not count as humans? So many questions.
It’s cool that Disney is giving these early Star Wars projects their moment in the spotlight, because I probably never would’ve been able to see them otherwise. Would my life have been different? Not at all. But it was still nice.
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