It had been eight years since the last Alien movie, and fourteen years since the last Predator flick. And yet, it somehow seemed an inevitability that one day, these two mega-monsters would come head-to-head.
And in 2004, they did. And it was awesome.
And then they did it again in 2007 and it sucked big time but hey.
AVP: Alien vs. Predator (***1/2)
In which an android from the future is running the company that will eventually design him
What I thought would be a cheap waste of intellectual property meant as nothing more than a cash grab turned out to be a fun romp between two sci-fi franchises.
The appeal, marketability, and premise of this film are all clearly evident in the title. You’re only watching the movie to see two fan favourite characters do battle. It’s a tried and true means of raking in cash. Godzilla vs. Kong is a recent example, but there are probably dozens of such films that pit creatures or characters from separate franchises against each other. As such, I was expecting a really dumb story that allowed us to get to the fighting as quickly as humanly possible. And honestly, there’s no point denying that that’s what this movie is. Apparently every hundred years, Predators come to Antarctica to wake up some frozen Aliens. They trick some humans into sacrificing themselves to the Aliens, and then the Predators hunt the Aliens for sport as per their usual habit. Stupid? Sure. Fun? Absolutely. The film doesn’t try to make itself seem more grandiose or important than it is. It gives us a handful of characters that we all know are going to get eaten or otherwise dismembered. All but one of them get killed in a variety of ways – the most memorable one being the guy who was stuck to the wall with one pistol against an army of facehuggers.
But we didn’t really come to see people get eaten. We came to see Predator fight Aliens. Where this movie succeeded was how well it executed this most crucial element of its plot. We got to see several encounters between the titular monsters – some where the Aliens won, and some where the Predators won. What made the film particularly interesting was the way it subverted its own tagline. On several posters for this film, I read the line “Whoever wins…we lose.” It’s a great line highlighting the ferocity and dangerousness of these monsters. But it implies that both are essentially villains – and by the end of the film, that’s not entirely true. Sure, both of these monsters don’t particularly care about humans. But between the two of them, the Predator is certainly more human than his opponent because of his code of honor. The film leans into this, turning the Predator from an enemy into an ally. Lex, the protagonist of the film, ends up teaming up with the Predator in order to kill the Aliens off. Sure, it’s a bit of a stretch, but it was definitely fun to watch. I loved their silent communication with each other, and the way they came to an understanding despite their differences in opinion on the sanctity of human life. Lex’s Alien armour in particular was really cool. I wish they’d done more with that.
The film ended exactly as you’d expect it would, although the final second was positively exhilarating in the way it set up a possible sequel. All in all, this was much better than it deserved to be. It was respectful of both franchises, gave us all the action we were hoping for, and didn’t get bogged down with too much exposition or anything that distracted us from the reason we came to see it.
Okay, one more thing though. Charles Weyland was played by Lance Henricksen, who played an android in Aliens and Alien3. That’s like Apple turning Siri into Steve Jobs. It’s a little weird.
Aliens vs Predator: Requiem (*)
In which it’s literally too dark to explain
Even if the lighting had been improved so you could actually see what was going on, this movie wouldn’t have done much better.
For me, one of the things that makes a monster movie fun is when the characters you don’t like get eaten. Watching a jerk get his comeuppance can be really satisfying in film – but that’s not to say that good guys can’t die. However, if a good guy’s gonna get eaten or otherwise obliterated by an otherworldly force, it should generally be as an act of self-sacrifice. I feel like it’s not often you kill the good guy for no reason. Cloverfield comes to mind where the comic relief gets eaten right before the end of the film, so I admit this isn’t necessarily a strict rule.
That said, there are some things most films agree on, regardless of genre. Don’t kill the dog, for one thing. Remember Man of Steel, where Superman let his own dad die in order to save the dog? That’s a great example of this rule being followed to the letter. John Wick would be the opposite end of the spectrum, where they deliberately subvert the rule in order to show you why the rule is so important. If this rule is broken, thousands of people could end up dead. Other rules include leaving pregnant women, kids, and babies alone. No one wants to see a baby get eaten. That’s not entertainment. But within five minutes of this film opening, a loving father and his son are both impregnated by face-huggers. That’s messed up. I didn’t come here to see a kid get an alien implanted in his chest. Then there’s a cop who’s married to a pregnant woman, and he gets killed by the Predator. Not only is this a good guy who gets killed without serving a greater purpose, the Predator didn’t need to do that in the first place. It seems pretty clear that the Predator came to Earth specifically to wipe out this ‘Predalien’ hybrid – why is he going around collecting human trophies on the side? I get it – it’s what Predators do – but it’s like he’s shirking his duties. Get the job done first, then kill all the humans you want.
But honestly, the most horrific scene of the whole movie involves this Predalien making its way into a hospital to graphically do its stuff with a whole bunch of pregnant women. I’m here for a good time! Why on earth would you think I’d want to see this?! Monster movies are supposed to have an element of scariness and horror, sure. I get that. But those elements are supposed to be there to serve a greater purpose – the entertainment of the audience. And this definitely wasn’t that for me.
All that aside, the script was cheesy and melodramatic from start to finish. I didn’t care about any of the characters, and there’s a scene that really utilizes an actress’s body to entice the audience without actually furthering or deepening the plot. It’s sex appeal for its own sake, and I don’t care for that in film. But honestly, my biggest gripe with this film is the way it’s shot. Half the time, the set is so dark that you can barely see the titular monsters duking it out. We’re here to see Aliens fight Predators, but so much of that is clouded by poor cinematography and editing. And if you can’t even pull off a good monster fight, you shouldn’t be making a movie like this in the first place.
This sucked.