Bedtime

The curtain opens with a man in a housecoat sitting on a big leather chair. The set is a simple living room, with a couch, a bookshelf, a coffee table, and a lamp. Three actors dressed as children are playing with toy trains on the floor.

Everyone has British accents.

Father: Who’s ready for a story?

The children - George, Tim, and Rose, drop their toys frantically and scramble over to Father.

Children: ME! I AM! Me! Me! Me!

Father gets up with a stretch and walks over to the bookshelf as the children sit down around his seat.

Father: Alright kids, settle down. Settle down. What shall we read tonight before bed? Let’s see...hm...ah, yes. This is the story of the Brave Knight, the Beautiful Damsel in Distress, and the Evil Dragon.

George: Are there pictures?

Father returns to his seat with the book.

Father: Loads of pictures, George.

Rose: Start the story! Start the story!

Father: Alright, here we go. (opens first page) Once upon a time-

Tim: What time, daddy?

Father: Well, I’m...(pauses) I’m not sure, Tim. I guess the medieval times at some point.

George: But it doesn’t say that.

Father: It’s implied. It’s about knights and dragons, you know.

Rose: What does ‘Once upon a time’ mean?

Father: It means it happened before, Rose.

George: But it could be in the future too, right?

Father: (pausing to ponder the idea) I...I suppose.

Tim: So it could be about any time, really.

Rose: It almost seems redundant to say it. We’re already assuming that it happened at one time or another as opposed to no time at all.

George: Quite right, Rose.

Father: We’re getting off track. (clears throat) Once upon a time, there was a brave knight who lived in a fair kingdom.

George: Fair as in just or fair as in rather pretty?

Father: Just what?

Rose: Just...like justice. Fairness.

Father: Oh.

Tim: I think it could be taken in either context.

George: That’s quite the brain leap for a children’s book.

Father: (rubbing his temples with one hand) Please, children. The story.

Children: (adjusting their sitting positions) Yes, yes.

Father: One day a terribly evil dragon came and kidnapped the beautiful princess of the kingdom.

All the children gasp.

Tim: Oh no!

George: Not the princess!

Rose: I hope she didn’t get her dress dirty.

Tim: Wait...why did the dragon kidnap her?

Father: Because...because dragons like to eat princesses.

George: Why?

Father: Because they taste better.

Rose: Better than what?

Father: Better than peasants.

Tim: Not likely. I’d wager that princess meat doesn’t taste much different from peasant meat.

Father: Not so. The princess was probably wearing perfume, so she’d taste better.

Children: Ohhhhhh...

Father: Anyway...(clears throat again and shifts position in seat) Where was I? Oh, right. The brave knight leapt atop his trusty white stallion and rode towards the dragon’s den.

George: How’d he know where the dragon lived?

Father: Everyone knows he lives in the mountain, I guess.

Rose: So he’s lived there for a while?

Father: Oh yes. Collecting treasure and...and...things like that.

Tim: Why didn’t anyone kill him before?

Father: Too much hassle.

George: (throwing his hands in the air) Too much hassle? The princess has been kidnapped!

Father: Well, I suppose the people of the kingdom didn’t see that coming.

Rose: (Sarcastically) Of course not. If I was living in a kingdom close to a vicious, fire breathing dragon I wouldn’t want to take preventative measures either.

Father: Well...they have walls. See? Look at the picture. The kingdom has walls.

Tim: Yeah, but the dragon has wings.

George: Makes the wall kind of...what’s the word?

Rose: Redundant.

George: Thank you.

Tim: Quite right, George.

Father: (growing exasperated) Children! Please...the story.

The children quiet down. By this time they have risen to their knees and now sit back on their seats.

Father: When the brave knight arrived at the dragon’s den, he saw that the princess had been tied up and was at the mercy of the dragon.

George: Woah, wait a second. How did the princess get tied up?

Father: The dragon did it, of course.

Tim: No, he couldn’t have! His talons are too big!

Rose: Claws, I think they are.

Tim: Oh, yes. I suppose so.

George: You could argue otherwise based on the evolutionary standpoint.

Father: It’s really not important, anyway.

Tim: Not important? The fact of the matter is that the dragon could not have tied up the princess. He must have some human henchmen.

Rose: Dwarves, more likely.

Father: (sighing) Or maybe it’s magic rope.

Tim: Oh...that’s true.

There is a brief pause.

George: Where’d he get the rope?

Father: (more exhausted) I don’t know. Can we just finish the story?

Rose: Yes, please.

Father: The dragon and the brave knight began to fight, and-

George: What? Where’s the diplomacy? No compromise? No peace offerings?

Father: There was no time.

Rose: (rising to her feet) The knight didn’t even try! He just ran in there with his sword to take on this giant dragon!

Father: People do stuff like that when they’re in love, dear.

Children: (all leaping up) LOVE?!

Rose: (frustrated) Daddy!

Tim: We don’t even know if the princess and the knight have ever met!

Rose: They might be mortal enemies!

George: Or complete strangers!

Father: Yes, but he saw her and fell in love with her. Love at first sight.

Tim: (pointing accusingly at Father) You made that up!

Father: No I...(stopped mid-sentence in thought)...you can’t...it’s how it always works in these stories.

Tim: So he saw her getting kidnapped and fell in love with her?

Father: Sure.

George: Seems awful unlikely.

Rose: Well, she was wearing the nice dress.

Tim: Dress aside, that’s not love! That’s mere infatuation at best! Puppy love! Lust!

Father: Where did you learn all these words? And you don’t believe in love at first sight?

George: Mom doesn’t.

Rose: She said she kind of just got used to you.

Tim: (exclaiming to no one in particular) What kind of a sick, twisted story is this?

Father: (rising to his feet, enraged) CAN WE JUST FINISH THE STORY?!

The children freeze, terrified by the sudden display of aggravation. Then, simultaneously, they all quickly crowd back around at their father’s feet.

Father: Now then...(sitting back down)...After a brilliant battle, the knight finally tricked the dragon into falling off a cliff. He then undid the princesses’ bonds, escorted her home, and the two were wed the next day. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

All are quiet as Father shuts the book and places it on the coffee table.

Rose: (After a long pause) That’s it?

Father: What more do you need?

Tim: He just killed the dragon? No citizen’s arrest? No chance of parole?

George: He’s a vigilante! A menace to the kingdom!

Father: (Rising to his feet and adjusting his housecoat) It’s not like that. This is a dragon we’re talking about.

Rose: How do you know it didn’t have feelings?

Father: I...

Rose: (standing up again) Maybe it didn’t want to eat the princess! Maybe it just wanted someone to talk to! Maybe the reason it lived up in that mountain all alone is because the people of the ‘fair’ city didn’t accept it! It’s intolerance, I tell you! Pure racism!

Father: (starting to exit) I think you’re over-analyzing it.

George: (Tim and George get up) No, she’s right! This dragon had no chance to explain its actions, nor was it properly charged for its crimes!

Tim: Much less tried.

George: Thank you! The whole situation was completely rushed into!

Father: (turning back to face the children) You can’t charge an animal for kidnapping.

Rose: (Tearing up) Don’t you call him an animal! He had a heart!

Tim: (Rose runs into George’s arms, weeping) At least until the guy on the horse pushed him off a cliff, dad.

George: That doesn’t even make sense. The dragon definitely would have won.

Father: I don’t believe this.

Rose: (sniffling) Why did the princess marry the knight anyway?

Father: Because she loved him.

Rose: Relationships established on freak accidents rarely last long.

Father: Well, this one did. They lived happily ever after.

Rose: What does that even mean?

Tim: That they lived happily ever after?

Rose: That they both died on the exact same day so that neither one would have to spend a day without the other?

George: Or that they just kind of got used to each other?

Father: (Furious) ENOUGH! It’s just a story!

Tim: It’s not just a story, daddy. It’s teaching us morals about making rash and impulsive decisions, embracing intolerance and racism as the norm, and chasing materialistic desires.

Father: It’s not about any of that! It’s about love!

Rose: Love of what, daddy?

George: INJUSTICE?

Father: That’s it. (pointing offstage angrily) Bedtime for all of you.

Tim: (leaping into the air excitedly) A rash decision! See? It’s getting into you too!

Father: BED! Bed bed bed!

Father grabs all three by the collars and drags them to the other end of the stage, where three beds are waiting. He puts them all in them in a hurry, and storms offstage. The sound of a door slamming is heard, and then all is quiet.

Rose: Maybe next time he’ll read us ‘Cat in the Hat’.

George: Oh, hush.