The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis is a book that follows an ongoing conversation between two demons - an older, more experienced demon named Screwtape, and his young apprentice Wormwood. In the letters, Screwtape tries to teach Wormwood how to corrupt and poison his 'patient', an ordinary young man who has recently become a Christian. Over the course of the book, Screwtape encourages Wormwood to try pulling the young man away from God in many different ways - one of which is by poisoning his relationship with his family. What you're about to read is an excerpt from the book.
When two humans have lived together for many years it usually happens that each has tones of voice and expressions of face which are almost unendurably irritating to the other. Work on that. Bring fully into the consciousness of your patient that particular lift of the old mother's eyebrows which he learned to dislike as a child, and let him think how much he dislikes it. Let him assume that she also knows how annoying it is and does it to annoy. And, of course, never let him suspect that he has tones and looks which similarly annoy her. As he cannot see or hear himself, this is easily managed. In civilised life domestic hatred usually expresses itself by saying things which would appear quite harmless on paper. The words, in and of themselves, are not offensive...but take those words - the same words and apply a particular tone of voice at a particular moment and they are not far short of a blow in the face delivered with the utmost innocence. Your patient, then, is able to take offense at something his mother says while she does the same at the other end. It is a remarkable double standard which you and Glabos must maintain. Your patient must demand that all his own utterances are to be taken at their face value and judged simply on the actual words, while at the same time judging all his mother’s utterances with the fullest and most over-sensitive interpretation of the tone and the context and the suspected intention. She must be encouraged to do the same to him. Hence from every quarrel they can both go away convinced, or very nearly convinced, that they are quite innocent. e.g. He thinks, “I simply ask her what time dinner will be and she flies into a temper.” Once this habit is very well established you have the delightful situation of a human saying things with the express purpose of offending and yet having a grievance when offence is taken.
I grew up with three younger siblings, and there have been many many times when we have been ready to initiate a third world war because of something relatively harmless that another one of us said. If anyone else had said it, there wouldn't have been an issue. But there's something about home that really can bring out the worst in us, isn't there? When someone at work says something you don't like, it's no big deal. But when someone at home - your spouse, your kid, your sibling - says something you don't like, it's a whole other issue. Of course, my sister must know how strongly I'd take offense at her statement. And of course, the fact that she said it anyway must mean that she's looking for a fight. And I have had a long day, so I am more than ready to go. Before you know it, we're at each other's throats, bickering and poking and prodding and pulling up web articles, word definitions, and bible verses so that we can explain in full detail just how misguided each other's point of view is. The people close to us know what annoys us the most, so when they do something annoying - intentionally or not - it tends to hit with double the power.
Yet for all the pains of living with a family, we cannot deny that family was God's idea. From the beginning, God created humans to live in relationship - first with God Himself, and secondly with each other. God is three in one, living in eternal relationship so perfect that each person of Himself is wholly unique yet wholly joined to the other persons. A family reflects this aspect of God's image in that you have all these unique people that make up a beautifully complex organism of inter-dependents. My siblings and I are all very different. My youngest sister reads books that I find utterly boring. With my brother, I only play video games I've played a million times before, whereas he wants the latest and greatest stuff. The older of my two younger sisters is a vegetarian - I struggle with that regularly. All those differences and more do not change the fact that anyone can tell we are related when we step into a room. We talk the same way. We laugh at the same jokes. We have the same mannerisms, and we're all fiercely competitive in board games. We are very clearly family, whether we're proud to admit it at any given time or not.
In the passage we read a minute ago, Screwtape encourages young Wormwood to tear family apart as best as he can - not with some big dramatic conflict, but with "daily pinpricks". Little things like passive-aggressive comments or bad habits left unattended. A family is not built, nor can it be easily destroyed in a day. It's the gradual worsening of a wound, the piece of relationship left unchecked that eventually poisons the whole thing. Every family has its issues. But perhaps the issue you're experiencing is not as unsolvable as you think it is. You can't change what others will do, but your family cannot stay the same if you change. You are part of your family. Everything you do impacts the others, whether for better or worse. Who am I to expect understanding from a family member I disagree with, when I refuse to try and understand them?
A church is a family that operates by the same rules. What we say and do when we are together impacts not just the people we say those things with, but the atmosphere of the entire church. A God-honouring family or church is a valuable thing that is becoming increasingly threatened by societal norms. It's not something we can take for granted. I don't believe God gives a gift without also giving something important to do with it. To many - myself included - coming home to family is the part of the day where we tend to just let loose. We take less care in how we say what we want to. We're with family, we say, so we can be real with them. Yet sometimes, being real looks a lot less like sharing each other's burdens and a lot more like taking out our frustrations on each other. I want to suggest that how you act at home is just as important - if not more important - than how you act at work, school, or wherever you end up on an average day. Home - family - is a place that should fill you, rejuvenate you, and get you ready to go back out again. Are you making your home that place for your family?
Both your church and your family are bound to have people who are really good at ticking you off. But as frustrating as those moments can be, know that both the church and the family are two of God's greatest weapons against the enemy. If your church chooses to stand together for God in spite of the little stuff, what can tear you apart? If your family chooses to place God at its center and work through the daily pinpricks instead of aggravating them, is there any telling what God won't be able to do through you? Family - Church - is God's game plan for changing the world. Let's remember what we're fighting for.
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If you liked this, check out some of Matthew's other writings.