In 2012, I was finishing up my very first handwritten journal.
I had decided to make it a sort of letter to the future, wherein I wrote down some of the most significant memories of my life thus far, a list of people who were near and dear to my heart, and even a letter to my future wife. I titled it Matthewology - please don't kill me.
As the book was drawing to a close, I knew I wanted to say something meaningful before I ran out of space. And so on March 29th, ten years ago, I wrote the words you're about to see. For anyone who's feeling stressed about the future - or anyone who's lost something recently - I hope you get something out of it.
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I’m graduating this year, in about three months. And to be honest with you, I’m scared. Terrified, really. I’ll be going to a new place next year. Putting aside the ever-increasing fear that I won’t get accepted into university in the first place, there are so many of my friends that I’ll probably never see again. All those amazing people I wrote about so many pages ago...most of them will go on and live their lives, and get jobs, and move away. The thought of being apart from the people I have laughed and cried and shouted and whispered with hurts. And if I get into a university where I go to residence, my own family will be far away from me. And since I haven’t had a legitimate conversation with my father in over a year, I know how painful it is. I don’t want to leave Joel, Elaina, and Dreanna, or my Mom. I’m not ashamed to say it.
It’s the change. Deep down, I know that that’s what I’m scared of. I don’t wanna leave – lose, rather – what I’ve come to love over the past four years. I’m scared that I won’t be ready for the big new world I’m going to be stepping into. That it won’t be what everyone says it is at all, and that it’ll gobble up my joy and everything nice that I like.
One Sunday earlier this year, our church announced that they were running out of money and that they had to let our Youth Pastor Alex go. I remember literally feeling my heart sink. It was like a heavy weight had just decided to settle itself on my shoulders. I didn’t know what to say at first. My mouth hung open for a while, watching him cry up on stage. I thought “This can’t be happening” over and over in my head. Then I started to cry. When it came time to go talk to him, I went straight over to him, hugged him, and cried harder than I had in years. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. I didn’t care that everyone could see my red, teary eyes. I just wanted to do whatever it took to keep one of the few men in my life who I could really count on. One more month. One more week. One more service. One more minute.
Then he looked at me, his eyes as bleary and tear-soaked as mine. I had never seen him so upset.
“This had to happen,” he said, holding my shoulders as if I was going to fall to pieces without the support. “You’re strong. You can make it through this.” I was barely able to nod through my own blithering. “God’s got a plan, Matt. He knew that this was going to happen, and He’s got a plan.” And then we hugged again, and I had no idea why this was all happening. It was all wrong. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Not like this.
I remember being in the passenger seat driving away from Pastor Alex’s final youth service. He was standing outside, waving goodbye, and I was waving like a lunatic. And as we turned the corner and he disappeared from my sight, a sort of uncomfortable silence filled our family van. “Well, he’s gone,” I thought.
That was back in November. And you know what? Something amazing happened.
My world didn’t end.
Nope, the earth just kept on spinning. Everyone kept growing, kept going to work, kept eating and drinking and being merry. And so did I. A new pastor came in to help out, and I ended up meeting a whole bunch of people who are really nice through this transition. And through all of that, I realized something.
Change is going to come whether we like it or not. The people we love move away, or pass away. The places we love get too old, or get replaced by newer, shinier places. The things that we used to think were more valuable than anything else become relatively inconsequential, like my boxes of Lego back at Dad’s house. Sooner or later, all that stuff goes away because the earth is still spinning and your life is still going. Even this book will crumble and wither after long enough. I’ve seen that process start already.
Yup, change is just how the world works. But not all change is bad. It’s all different, but it’s not all bad. If Palex had never left, I never would have met my next pastor. If I had never left my Dad, I might have never gotten to be a counselor at camp. Sure, a lot of things have happened that weren’t supposed to happen. But they happened anyway. And guess what? God can take the filthiest situation and make something good come out of it. ‘Cause he’s cool like that. And that’s what He’s done in my life.
Yeah, I’ve screwed up along the way. I’ve gone through changes that weren’t right – some of them that I’ve brought upon myself. But no matter the change, God has been able to use it to make something awesome out of it. I wouldn’t be who I am today without all the trash that’s been in my life. The Bible says that God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me; plans to give me hope and a sound future. It’s funny how often we forget that.
Yes, earthly things all fade away in time. Yes, people move away from each other. People die, and new people are born. But God never fades away. He never moves away, and He never passes away. He’s always gonna be with me, even if everything in my life goes horribly wrong. And I’ve got something else, too.
I’ve got my memories. There are just a few of them written down in this little book, but I’ve got a lifetime of memories in my head. I can remember all the good times I had with Alex. All the family barbecues. The summers spent at LPC. The times when the guys and I would stay up all night being stupid. My memories are here to stay, to remind me that life is still beautiful even when parts of it can royally suck.
I’ve learned something else too. When change happens, some pretty remarkable stuff can come from it. I wouldn’t and couldn’t be me if I hadn’t changed. If I never changed, I’d still be in a diaper, sucking my thumb. Change is necessary, and it’s good. It lets us see new sights, try new things, meet new people. It is, quite literally, what keeps the Earth spinning.
I suppose I have God to thank for putting so many awesome people into my life. And I know that as time goes on, some of us will stick together. Others will go on elsewhere, experiencing new awesome stuff. And when that happens, God will introduce me to new people that I can love and influence, and people that can love and influence me.
So I guess even though graduating will mean saying goodbye, it also means I’ll be saying hello. That’s how change works. One door closes, and another one opens. When we walk into new situations, we’re sometimes scared. Not because things are necessarily gonna get worse. Just because they’re gonna be different.
So maybe you’re going through a change in your life. Maybe you’re graduating. Maybe you’ve just made a colossal mistake. Maybe someone close to you has left you forever. You’re probably scared, just like I’m scared. Just remember two things for me, okay?
One. God’s with you, and He cares about what you’re going through. He sees the pain and the fear, and He’s right beside you, guiding you along and pushing you onward. Because, let’s face it, in life you couldn’t ‘go back’ even if you wanted to. It’d be something else by the time you got there. So you’re never alone in your struggle, no matter what.
Two. God’s got a plan. Whether what’s happening to you is good, bad, ugly, or just different, God has a plan to take it and mold it into something completely awesome that you didn’t even think was possible. He did it for me, and He can do it to you. If you let Him. Just let him guide you in the direction He wants you to go, and I promise you that awesome stuff will come your way.
It’s never easy. We stumble and fall. We get tired. But in the words of Rafiki, “Ah, yes. The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it…or learn from it.”
Don’t give up. Hang on. Trust in God and lean not on your own understanding. He’ll change your life for the better, guaranteed.
Well, that’s it. Thanks for reading, and I hope you got something out of all this. May God show you His awesomeness.