Reviewing - The Home Alone Collection
Home Alone is 100% one of the best Christmas movies of all time. And it is followed by some of the worst. Honestly, I didn't even know that there were five of these until a few years ago. But here I am, watching every single one of them for some reason that is unclear to even myself. Let's get right into it, shall we?
Home Alone (*****)
In which a pizza-man and an experienced crook both independently mistake a television program for an actual shoot-out
This is one of the best Christmas movies of all time.
There’s so much to say about this movie, but I need to start with the writing, because it is absolutely brilliant and under-valued in the light of all the other fantastic aspects of the film. We get so caught up in Macaulay Culkin’s iconic performance and the hilarious pranks pulled on Harry and Marv that we forget how tightly written this script is. It’s not easy to forget a kid, and John Hughes knew that. That’s why he worked out the script so that every conceivable way of a mother remembering her son would be erased. Let’s look at everything that Hughes came up with to make this film possible.
When Kevin started fighting with Buzz at dinner, a carton of milk got spilled on the passports. Kevin’s flight ticket got accidentally thrown out as a result.
A power outage caused the McAllisters to sleep in, so everything became even more frantic than it would have already otherwise been.
The power outage also cut the phone lines for a few days, meaning Kevin’s parents couldn’t contact him and HE couldn’t call for help up until Christmas Eve.
In a house full of people, Kevin slept alone because he didn’t want to share a bed with the bed-wetter. He was also in the attic, furthest from all the action of the following morning.
Kevin’s family was picked up instead of driving themselves to the airport, which led Kevin to thinking his family had LEGITIMATELY disappeared off the face of the earth.
During the “head count”, another kid popped up from across the street and was accidentally counted in Kevin’s place.
The parents flew first class while the kids sat further back in the plane, so Kevin’s mom didn’t actually get to see all of the kids at once.
Kevin had seen the thief dressed as a policeman, so calling the police wouldn’t have been an option for him. After all, as far as Kevin knows, the thief IS a policeman.
Hughes establishes all of these important plot points in the opening act of the film - some of them are blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, but that’s the point. It’s brilliantly effortless. When it all happens and Kevin finally wakes up, it’s like forgetting him was the easiest mistake that anyone could have made. In reality, it was a carefully crafted masterpiece of an accident.
To top off the genius of the plot’s set-up, we get three different plotlines woven into one. Kevin is learning how to be a grown-up (shopping, doing laundry, facing his fear of Old Man Marley), Kevin’s mom is scrambling to get back home by any means necessary, and two witless thieves are trying to break into the McAllister house. Each of them are fun in their own way, and each of the major characters nails their role. Kevin - obviously - is so cute its ridiculous. It’s obvious that he’s hamming it up as an actor, for sure. There are some expressions that are obviously forced. But he’s so darn cute he gets away with it. Harry and Marv are positively hysterical as they bumble and fumble their way through Kevin’s traps. The success or failure of the physical comedy bits in this film utterly depends on their performance, and they don’t disappoint. Their cries of anguish are gut-bustingly funny. It gets me every time. Lastly, Kevin’s mom is both funny AND heartfelt. You can see the desperation and the love she has for her kid, and although it’s funny seeing her give attitude to airport clerks, her commitment to getting back to Kevin adds a huge amount of heart to the film.
The music is great, as would obviously be expected from the immortal John Williams. The hustle-and-bustle score he wrote for the scenes where the family is running about really feels like something out of the Nutcracker, and the main theme is warm and heartfelt. The songs as well are all great. We get “Run Run Rudolph”, “White Christmas”, and other holiday favorites worked into the film with great effect. Kevin lip-syncing White Christmas is the stuff classics are made of.
What makes this film not just a good Christmas story but a certifiable classic is its emphasis on the importance of family. I tear up every time Old Man Marley walks off into the snow with his son and granddaughter. It’s a moment of pure joy. An old father who’s been separated from his son for so long at last gets a Christmas to remember. As a son who misses his father very much, this always resonates with me. And I know that there are so so many people who have a story very similar to the story of Old Man Marley. Fathers - call your sons. You can’t decide how anyone else will behave, but your actions are always your own. Forgive. Be vulnerable. Love.
I’ll stop before I get too sappy. My point is that this is not a good Christmas movie - this is a great movie, period. This is a movie that works on every level, and brings home the goods right when it matters most. Merry Christmas, everyone.
Home Alone 2: Lost In New York (**1/2)
In which a mom who accidentally left her son at home during a family trip last year makes the exact same mistake again and no one calls child protective services
The first half of this film is simply horrible - and the second half almost makes up for it.
Ten minutes into watching this, I found myself saying aloud "I hope John Hughes didn't write this". The original Home Alone was so brilliant and so tightly written, but this sequel seemed honestly like a carbon copy in a bad way. When "The Force Awakens" imitates "A New Hope", people didn't mind so much because it was a way of 'honouring the past'. When 2019's "The Lion King" turned out to be nearly a shot-for-shot remake, people complained a little bit but also pointed out that you can't mess with the classics. But in both these cases, well over TWO DECADES had passed since the original films. You can't pull something like that off TWO YEARS later.
The first half of this film follows the original film practically beat for beat. John William's score is nearly identical to the original, and it's remarkable how little creativity was put into forgetting Kevin for a second time. Last time, the circumstances that resulted in Kevin being forgotten were so finely tuned that it was actually credible. This time, it seemed like a bad joke. You're telling me that a mother - a GOOD mother, mind you - forgot her son at home last year, and this year she forgot him AGAIN? How could the mother who said "If I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son" POSSIBLY lose her kid a second time? That mother would have had Kevin sitting next to her and walking next to her for the duration of the trip. There's no question.
What's worse than the set up is the initial payoff. Kevin ended off the last movie realizing that being home alone wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He realized that he loved his family, and he said that he wanted them back instead of presents from Santa. At the start of this movie, it's like he completely forgot about all the character development that he had just gone through. The moment he realized he was on the wrong flight, the Kevin that I know would have called his mom right away. Why on earth would he think, "Now's my chance to live life my own way"? He did that last movie and it turned out terrible! More than that, last time he genuinely believed that his family had poofed out of existence. This time, he knows all along that it's all a misunderstanding. He KNOWS that he won't get away with using his dad's credit card at a super-expensive hotel. What on earth is his plan here?
The way this film follows the original beat-for-beat was worse than boring - it was frustrating. Why didn't you try anything new? That's how I felt for the first half. And as much as I wanted to stay angry, once the final act began I found my frustrations melting away.
Harry and Marv getting hurt is just too funny.
Look, I know. There are more than a few injuries that they sustain this time around that should have killed them multiple times. Marv gets a brick thrown at his head from a rooftop. He's dead. I'm sorry. There's no question. You don't take a brick to the face from a rooftop and just walk it off. Even if you did, he took like FOUR bricks to the face. He's dead! There's no getting away from that. But whatever - just roll with it and enjoy the fun. The pranks are gut-bustingly funny, as much as I knew they were unrealistic and horrific. Just like last time, it's the performances of Harry and Marv that make them work. They know how to make pain funny, and that's the only thing that makes this film have any merit to it.
Oh yeah, and the homeless lady is kinda nice. But let's be honest - we're all here to watch Marv take a staple gun to the cahoneys.
Home Alone 3 (1/2)
In which a team of international terrorist killers gets duped by an 8 year old, a parrot, and a mouse
Absolutely horrendous.
A lot of people have a soft spot for Home Alone 2, and as much as I disliked major portions of that film, I at least have to admit how great the physical comedy was – and at least they got the whole gang back together. Here, we’ve left Kevin McAllister behind in favour of a totally different kid. That’s like doing Die Hard without John McClane. Or Bourne without Bourne – well, I guess they did that one. But it didn’t do very well so that proves my point.
The new kid is no Macaulay Culkin, but he’s alright, I guess. Where this movie sucks the most is in its criminals. The kid is doing battle with four international terrorists working for North Korea. These aren’t petty crooks – they’re hardened killers. Or at least, they ought to be. The only thing about them that matches their description is their absolute inability to make me laugh. They’re totally unfunny. I’m not kidding – I didn’t even crack a smile this whole movie. Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern (Harry and Marv) from the originals had a way of making physical comedy hysterical. Every time they get hit, you can’t help but laugh. Here, a guy literally got his head run over by a rototiller and the most that I could muster was a “Oh, he’s dead for sure.” And to be clear, what should have been a horrifyingly gruesome murder ended up as a mild haircut. But hey – that is par for the course in this franchise.
This just wasn’t funny. And it wasn’t even Christmas. Skip this like your life depends on it.
Home Alone 4: Taking Back The House (*1/2)
In which we return to the characters that started it all - except they're totally different now and also getting divorced
For a film that tears to pieces the chronology of one of the greatest Christmas films of all time, I’m shocked that I can actually call it an improvement over its predecessor.
It’s hard to narrow down all that’s wrong with this film, but let’s start with the fact that the filmmakers thought that we’d be okay with them recasting Kevin McAllister. Sometimes, there is only one. There is only one J. Jonah Jameson. There is only one Darth Vader. There is only one Kevin McAllister.
Not only that, they decided to recast LITERALLY everybody else. Marv is back, except he looks like Harry now. Kevin’s parents are back but they’re different people. Two of Kevin’s siblings are back, but they’re somebody else – and the rest of his siblings have mysteriously disappeared.
AND THEN they made Kevin nine years old. He’s eight in the first movie, ten in the second movie, and now he’s supposed to be NINE? Does that mean this is an in-between-quel? And if so, am I supposed to pretend that everyone will look like their old selves by next Christmas? What is going on here?!
But there’s another sin even more grievous than any of that other stuff.
They broke up Kevin’s parents.
I don’t care that everybody’s happy again by the end of this film. You can’t just make a mockery out of what is likely the single greatest family in Christmas film history. I get it – parents get divorced. It happens. But not to these guys. These guys are national treasures. I get that you want to put Kevin in a new house, but there’s got to be a better way to do this.
Okay, so in many ways this film is a slap in the face of the originals. It has all the marks of a certifiably terrible film. But as bad as it is, it’s a step up from Home Alone 3. For one thing, some of the jokes are so bad, they’re good. The dynamic between Missi Pyle and whatever-the-other-thief’s-name-is is kinda funny now and then, and I actually laughed more than once during the film’s runtime. Putting Kevin in a smart home added a little something new to a now-cliché formula, although I think they actually could’ve done more with it than they did. The physical comedy – a far cry from the original – wasn’t terrible. And there was a water scene that was incredibly over the top, but kind of fun anyway.
Now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. You shouldn’t watch this. This is a waste of time. All I’m saying is that as wastes of time go, this isn’t the worst. Home Alone 3 is the worst.
Home Alone 5: The Holiday Heist (*)
In which I can't believe they made five of these
I’m not sure who’s the greater evil – the people responsible for making a Home Alone 5, or me for watching, reviewing, and talking about it.
I’m not saying a Home Alone franchise is an inherently bad idea. A lot of people love Home Alone 2, which should be evidence towards the idea that the original film has the legs to carry more than one story. I mean, sure, this franchise has the same fundamental issue that Jurassic Park faces. There’s only so many times you can open a theme park where people get eaten before it starts to strain credulity. There’s also only so many times you can leave your kid at home before Child Protection Services needs to step in. But some stuff never gets old, and well-executed physical comedy mixed with Christmas cheer should be a recipe for success.
Sadly, this latest entry is no better than its immediate predecessors. With numerous problems including (but not limited to) a star that’s too old, unfunny crooks, and a dangerous message about how the strangers online are probably nice people, this film is relatively unenjoyable from beginning to end. There is, however, one comedic moment that actually landed perfectly for me. Our main character fills a gaming friend he’s never met in on the circumstances of the robbery over the phone. The gaming friend calls the kid’s parents to try and inform them of the situation, but they instead think that this caller is a kidnapper. That thirty-second moment was EXCELLENT amidst an otherwise forgettable picture.
I can now say that I have watched all five Home Alone films. Am I proud of this? No. Am I glad I did it? Kind of. Will I ever do it again? Not a chance.